Content Warning(s): mentions of transphobia and ableism

I wake up. It’s Saturday, which means bowl of cereal on the couch and watching the kid’s shows. There are copious amounts of ads because it’s 2008 and kids actually watch TV still – the iPad is years away. So this is where to sell your plastic crap, apps are just a glimmer in the marketing team’s eye for now. There’s the boy toys – cars and transformers and guns and fighting, and there’s the girl toys – pillow pets, Barbie (not the 2023 movie), and dress up. By virtue of being born with a penis, I’m meant to like the boy toys. That’s okay, I am a boy and I do like the boy toys. There’s no issues here.

I wake up. It’s the school holidays. My best friends are staying over and there’s Harry Potter on TV tonight. We’ve already seen all the ones that are out, the TV station is re-running the older ones to help advertise Deathly Hallows. I don’t remember if it was a two-parter yet. Emma Watson’s Hermione is smart and people don’t like her for that. Just like me. She’s really pretty huh. That means… I have a crush, right? Right?

I wake up. It’s the last term of primary school and I’m almost 12. One of my friends asks me if I like anyone in our year level. I know I’m supposed to have a crush on someone but I don’t, so I just lie and say it’s the most popular girl that everyone likes. Boys are meant to grow up into young men, and young men like young women. That’s just how it is, right? I later tell my mum, and she seems happy? I guess that means I did pick the right answer…

I wake up. I’m in the toilet at church but I’m not actually using it, I just want somewhere private to use my phone. In English class this week, we looked at persuasive writing and one of the topics was LGBT people. There was this thing called sex reassignment surgery I wanted to google. I found a subreddit for people discussing their experiences with it. The result looks pretty good and they seem happy. I’d probably be happy too. But they’re all straight women, so I don’t think I’m really like them. I’m not into men so…

I wake up. Everything relevant happens in the facebook messenger group chat. Today everyone’s talking about who they like again. Truth or dare, but really it’s just a vehicle for the latest goss. One of the girls has been talking to me a bunch. I think I like her? I now have something to dangle like a carrot in those goss sessions, ahem I mean “truth or dare games”.

I wake up. I’m in Germany on exchange. I end up spending more time with one of the girls in my class and her exchange partner than with my own exchange partner. It’s kinda nice just being with them. I tell people it’s because I like one of them, but I don’t know if that’s really true or just something I’m meant to feel and say to perform being “a dude”. I think that’s what they said in class, performing gender?

I wake up. I went out with, then broke up with that girl I thought I liked. Why didn’t I feel happy? Why did it still feel wrong? Wasn’t that meant to be what I wanted? Last year we looked at feminism and LGBTQIA stuff again. I thought it might be funny to call myself agender for a bit because I don’t really feel that attached to being a guy. At the time I didn’t really connect the dots but now I’m thinking about that again… Aren’t there other options than a boy growing into a man?

I wake up. I told my parents the other day I wanted to talk to them about something but I chickened out. Today I’m trying again.

I… want to be a girl.

“That’s okay we still love you

But–

We’ll fix this.”

I wake up. Everything’s wrong. If I’m not a guy, then I must be a girl. I must want to get all the surgeries. I must want all of what it means to be a woman. Right?

That’s the only two options; there’s only the agent and the passive, there’s only he who is him and she who is the Other, the masculine phallus and the feminine vulva, always opposed.

Right?

I wake up. I’m talking to my friend about how even though I’m starting HRT soon I still don’t like my voice. She suggests that we do some voice training together. That’s good, right? I’m meant to change my voice and embody femininity, right? I have to change everything, because I don’t like anything, right?

I don’t like anything about my body, right?

I wake up. I’ll never be a real woman because I didn’t experience girlhood. I never got bullied obviously, because only girls are oppressed. I was socialised as a boy, which is always the oppressor, you see. And I can’t possibly be trans because I’m autistic and I didn’t show signs and I was happy as a boy and I’m autistic and I didn’t show any signs and I watched you all the time and I would’ve noticed.

I wake up. Online I’m Emilia, but everywhere else I’m d̴̡͒e̵̡̕à̶͙d̷̙͋n̴̪͊a̴̼͛ṃ̷̈́ë̶̠́. I think my parents forgot that I wanted to be a girl. I think I did too. Emilia isn’t really me anymore. Was she ever me?

I wake up. My legal name is now Riley. Is that who I am?

“d̴̡͒e̵̡̕à̶͙d̷̙͋n̴̪͊a̴̼͛ṃ̷̈́ë̶̠́ we’re going to see your grandparents.”

“you know, d̴̡͒e̵̡̕à̶͙d̷̙͋n̴̪͊a̴̼͛ṃ̷̈́ë̶̠́, if you leave your hair too long it’ll start falling out (so cut it)”

“d̴̡͒e̵̡̕à̶͙d̷̙͋n̴̪͊a̴̼͛ṃ̷̈́ë̶̠́ you have to carry on the family name, this is something very important and sacred”

What does that even mean?

I wake up. I’m majoring in Sociology, but I’m not sure what jobs there even are. I just want to know more about gender. I drifted through first year sociology because it seemed interesting, but I didn’t really have a voice. Or well, d̴̡͒e̵̡̕à̶͙d̷̙͋n̴̪͊a̴̼͛ṃ̷̈́ë̶̠́ didn’t have a voice. The only time his queerness was visible was when he wrote an essay talking about those experiences. In person, he was just another guy.

I wake up. I’ve started vtubing with my avatar being an anime egirl. She’s my idealised self, but like, anime. I can put on the mask and pretend I’ve got my shit together. I can pretend I know what I’m doing. She’s hopolapopola. Or I’m hopolapopola? Or she’s Riley? But in the future?

I’m…

Riley.

and I’m queer.

Yeah that feels about right.

Gender’s just a feeling after all, isn’t it? Just some socially defined words and diagnoses to label an internal feeling.

I wake up. In IT classes, it’s a he/him party. You get a he/him, he gets a he/him, everyone gets a he/him! Because there couldn’t possibly be any q*eers or w*men in here 🤮

Long dyed hair, pronouns, trans and lesbian flag stickers on the laptop.

…

“Ryan?”

/ˈɹaɪ.li/ and /ˈɹaɪən/. Didn’t realise a schwa and a nasal were the same as an alveolar lateral approximant.

Yeah guys I think Ryan and he/him sounds about right. Anyway I would literally die if I had to take an arts unit and write *gasp* essays 🤮

I wake up. In doing research for an essay, I came across the term “lay theories of gender”. And yes, it’s theories because different people see gender in different ways. Some people base their gender interpretations on context. Some people base it on asking. Some people base it on assuming everyone is male unless they’re the most girly of girls. What’s a non-binary? Is that the qubit thing from quantum computing? This feels like my experience, that there isn’t one gender, it’s lots of overlapping systems that people sometimes agree on and sometimes disagree on. Violently.

I wake up. My parents aren’t home for the next few days so I can go out shopping in “girl” clothes. What even is “girl” clothes? Let’s rewind. I can go out shopping in a skirt. That’s what girl clothes is. No one questions whether I’m a guy. Unsuprisingly, estrogen has done its job. Despite a pretty flat chest (😭), my thick thighs and big butt carry the divine feminine energy. Because femininity, despite common misconceptions, is stored in the fat ass. Is the PAWG subreddit still a thing?

I wake up. I’m here. I’m queer.

If a queer walks through the campus and all the cishets don’t see them, are they truly queer?

Trick question, my identity is for me to understand myself, not for others’ consumption.

Somehow, not everyone agrees with me on that one.

I wake up. I’m simultaneously commodified as an “exotic” female, while being called a mockery of femaleness. The irony of this contradiction qua femininity is not lost on me, I too watched the Barbie movie. But I think I revel in that now, I live in the contradiction that is queerness.

I wake up. Some may not, but I do. I pick myself up. I keep going. I’m still fighting. Despite the culture war, despite the techbros, despite it all. I’m still here, and I don’t care if being a boy that grew up into being non-binary and a woman at the same time doesn’t make sense to you or anyone, because it makes sense to me and my people.

Because there’s more like me.

More like us.

And love will always win.

Further reading

If you want a more straightforward trip through what the fuck gender is, there’s my video for a start. I would recommend the wikipedia article on gender… if it wasn’t written by someone who doesn’t understand Butler. So I will say, just go read Butler instead. Gender Trouble goes hard and you get to try and piece together what the fuck a Lacan is. Another interesting read is Tommaso Milani’s Queer Performativity chapter in The Oxford Handbook of Language and Sexuality, where he ‘queers’ performativity in this world where queer studies has arisen.

Also just as a final little end note, it’s really funny that the popular girl I said I had a crush on in primary school came out as lesbian recently. My mum somehow expected me to agree that’s a bad thing. Me.